Now I barely get to see my kids, but have to keep an apartment big enough for their weekend visits and my car, or else I lose access completely. I am struggling to keep myself afloat and meet my needs but have absolutely nothing left over after covering my housing, transportation and food costs because I have to pay so much in child support, just to have him call me a deadbeat and pathological liar because he doesn’t feel I’m giving him enough and am trying to seek support and justice for the abuse. He’s bringing me back to court again to ask to impute my income to twice what I made last year. Every time we go to court the law completely ignores the context of violence in the situation and sides with him, because he has the kids and there is no fault considerations in the guidelines and the context for my mental health and why I’m struggling in my career is ignored. I’m starting to feel like protecting myself is impossible, and have seriously considered asking my doctor for MAID for my PTSD if I can’t manage the level of support that’s expected of me and maintain a decent quality of life so I can move on and stop living in fight or flight mode every day. At least my kids would get my life insurance that way since money is all I’m good for and I’m failing at providing enough. No matter how hard I try its never enough and there are no good options left for me.

If I try and go to court and fight him, I probably will just end up with having to pay more of his legal costs. If I just pay the amount of support that’s needed and stop fighting, I will need to use the food bank and am at risk of losing my car and apartment. If I just pay him every cent of what is left over after paying rent, utilities and car payments, he could apply to have my licence taken away or to garnish my wages, which puts me in a spot of risking losing my home and or vehicle anyways, and if I can’t maintain those I lose my access to the kids except under his supervision. I can’t handle 8 more years of this I tried to explain this to the judge at an EICC and she told me that the guidelines leave lots to live on and maybe I should find a cheaper place to live or get a better job, as if there are just 3 bedroom apartments for less than what I’m paying now($1275), and I’m supposed to just magically be able to find a 6 figure job because he says thats what I should be making. Justice is not only blind, its completely out if touch with the realities of every day life.