“Why didn’t she just leave?” is a question I hear far too often in my work. I hate it, and I’m tired of answering it. It indicates an ongoing lack of understanding of the realities of intimate partner violence and the challenges survivors face when trying to decide how best to keep themselves and, in many cases, their children as safe as possible.
Women stay and return to abusive partners for diverse reasons, many of them related to the lack of external supports that would make leaving easier and safer. Supports for survivors of intimate partner violence – affordable housing, adequate levels of social assistance, affordable child care – are thin on the ground. As a result, some women worry about the financial implications of leaving, especially when the abuser is the sole breadwinner and has control of the family’s finances, and the impact living in poverty will have on the children.
Fear is common: of the unknown; of increased violence if she leaves; of not being believed; of what might happen if she reports the abuse to the police; that the abuser will make real their threats to take the children.
There may be legal issues. What if the family’s status in Canada is dependent on the abuser’s immigration sponsorship? What if the family law case doesn’t go well?
Women who feel shame and blame themselves for the abuse may stay with their partner because they don’t want anyone to know about it or because they think it is their responsibility to fix the relationship.
Many women continue to love their partner: what they want is for the abuse to stop.
Changing the narrative
Hard as it might be to accept, for some women staying – for now or forever – can be a safer option because it allows them to manage the violence and protect their children in a way they could not if they left.
Ending any intimate relationship is difficult; ending one in which there has been abuse can be overwhelming. Most women make the best decisions they can based on their circumstances and the information and supports they have at the time. And yet, they are judged when they don’t do what other people think they should.
Thanks to a new project originating in Timmins, Ontario, I’m hopeful that public understanding about why women stay will increase.
Staying isn’t choosing: It’s not why they stay. It’s what makes leaving so hard is a public education campaign developed by Timmins and Area Women in Crisis, an organization that provides crisis intervention, advocacy and safe shelter to survivors of gender-based violence, and Ellevive, which offers francophone supports and services to survivors of violence.
I had the opportunity to see a presentation about this campaign, including the five videos that are at its heart, when I was at a recent conference, and I was impressed.
The videos, while emotional and — at times — uncomfortable to watch, do not fall into the trap of being melodramatic or sentimental. Rather, they tell a powerful story about the many pressures – internal and external – that can make it difficult for a woman to leave a relationship in which she is being subjected to abuse. Viewers can see the conflict clearly etched on the survivor’s face as she remembers the good times alongside the incidents of physical and emotional abuse and considers the close and largely positive bond between her partner and their daughter.
According to its website, the campaign:
“challenges harmful narratives that blame survivors and instead asks us to look deeper: at the systems that fail them, at the emotional bonds that complicate leaving, and at the collective responsibility we all share in creating safer communities.”
It calls on community members to “replace judgment with compassion, action and advocacy” and to shift the question from “Why doesn’t she leave?” to “What makes leaving so hard — and what can we do to change that?”
It’s the final part of this question that lies at the heart of what we all need to consider: our role in the work to make communities that are safe for everyone. A critical step is to stop blaming survivors who make different decisions than we think we would if we were in their shoes.
The materials developed to support this campaign are available to anyone who wants to use them. Have a look and think about how and where you might be able to put them into action.