Regardless of whether the phrase “aging is not for the weak of heart” originated with Mae West or Meryl Streep, it seems pretty accurate to me. As I move towards my 72nd birthday, getting older often feels pretty bleak.
To be fair, Streep’s full comment ends on a more positive note:
“Aging is not for the faint of heart. One day you wake up and realize your youth is gone, but with it go insecurity, haste, and the need to please. . . . You learn to walk more slowly, but with greater confidence. . . . Aging is about letting go, it’s about acceptance, it’s about realizing that beauty was never in our skin but in the story we carry within us.”
All true, but it’s also the case that there are many challenges associated with getting older. I find those increasing moments of mental vagueness terrifying. I’m annoyed that I have to sit down to put on my shoes and boots. Surely, my elderly wrists are not the only reason I have so much trouble opening jars and bottles now – or are they? My lists have become longer and more detailed to ensure I remember what I am supposed to be doing. Insomnia is now a nightly companion. Some days, I feel like my get up and go has gotten up and gone, never to return.
Despite the gloom that can descend on me, I try to embrace the sentiment on a bumper sticker on one of the cars in our condo parking lot: “Aged to perfection.”
Women of a certain age
A few months ago, a good friend – herself, a woman of a certain age — sent me an article that provided a scientific explanation for why older women are less patient and accommodating than we were when we were younger. The author put it like this:
“[The great unfuckening] is that point in midlife when your capacity to pretend, perform and please others starts shorting out like an electrical system that’s finally had enough.”
Here’s what my ageing brain culled from this article:
The frontal cortex controls executive function, social behaviour and impulse control in both women and men. It suppresses authentic responses when they would be ‘inappropriate.’ As we get older, our body engages in “synaptic pruning,” and – especially in women – the neural pathways dedicated to people pleasing are the first to go.
This is, in part, because women’s brains are particularly wired for social harmony and caregiving. On top of that, girls are socialized to understand their role to be peacemakers. As well, when our estrogen levels get lower, our intense drive to please begins to diminish. All that socializing just disappears.
What welcoming news — I can speak my truth to power whenever and however, and it’s no longer my job to worry about how it makes other people feel. Bring on that synaptic pruning!
“And you thought The Clash were angry”
Enter “Riot Women,” a new series on Britbox, written and directed by Sally Wainwright, who has previously brought us such topnotch television shows as Scott & Bailey, Last Tango in Halifax, Happy Valley and Gentleman Jack. This time, she has created a story about five middle-aged women who form a band for a local fundraising talent show.
As Beth, played to perfection by Joanna Scanlan, says:
“Do you ever feel like you’re living in an alternative universe . . . where women of a certain age have become invisible?”
If you don’t already subscribe to Britbox, do so now, just so you can see this show. (Mind you, there’s a lot of other excellent viewing on Britbox, too.)
In every episode, I ricochet from laughter to tears, as the main characters explore their frustrations and fury with what their lives have become. Hemmed in by ungrateful and oh-so-critical kids, parents with dementia, their own invisibility and the realities of menopause, they decide to write their own song for the talent contest.
Entitled “Seeing Red,” here are some of its lyrics:
“I’m so depressed, I can’t get dressed/Having trouble hiding my lack of interest . . . ./Time’s waiting, feels like I’m fading/Doctor told me to stop complaining . . . ./ I’m angry, I’m nice, I’m fuming, I’m fine/ . . . Buckle up, it’s about to get rough/I’m on a rollercoaster and I wanna get off. . . .
“Am I invisible? Am I untouchable? Am I unlovable? Are you all comfortable?”
Needless to say, the women face some skepticism when they tell their kids, friends and colleagues what they are up to. Beth teaches high school, and one of her students asks her the name of her band. She replies:
“Riot Women. We sing songs about being middle aged, menopausal and more or less invisible. . . . And you thought The Clash were angry.”
Season one is almost over, but fortunately, season two is on its way. Do yourself a favour and watch this show.