What about the men?

Last week, along with Humberto Carolo of the White Ribbon Campaign and Amiel Houghton of Changing Ways, I spoke at a conference called “Engaging Men: Why. How. Impact.” organized by the Elgin Alliance to End Violence.

Humberto spoke of the critically important work the WRC does to engage men and boys in the task of ending gendered violence. Amiel talked about the work her organization does with those who have engaged in abusive behaviour and want to stop.

I talked about the need for an all-of-society approach – including the involvement of men —  to end intimate partner violence. Here is an edited version of some of what I said.

The War on Women. That’s the name of Brian Vallee’s 2007 book about intimate partner violence. He wrote:

“We live on a planet beset by war. In North America alone, the most familiar wars – those spotlighted by the media – include the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the War on Crime, the Gulf War, the war in Afghanistan, the war in Iraq. [Of course, we could add several other wars that have taken place since Brian’s book was written.] . . .

“There is another war – largely overlooked but even more deadly – with far more victims killed by “hostiles.” But these dead are not labelled heroes, nor are they honoured in the national media or in formal ceremonies. From time to time they may attract a spate of publicity as the result of a high profile trial or an inquest that will likely conclude that society let them down once again and recommend changes to prevent future deaths, though these recommendations will be mostly ignored. This is the War on Women.”

Brian was right. Girls and women (by whom I mean anyone who identifies as a girl or a woman) are more vulnerable in their homes than they are anywhere else and are more vulnerable than boys and men at school, work and in the community.

Ignoring reality

As a society, we have repeatedly ignored the reality of this violence, which enables it to continue. We have failed to hold our governments accountable to recommendations from inquests, inquiries and death review committees or to the promises they sometimes make during election campaigns. We have not made the systemic changes to end the misogyny, racism and poverty that contribute to gender-based violence and create barriers to many who try to escape situations of violence.

Here we are, more than 15 years after Brian wrote his book, and what he had to say is still true today. Clearly, we need to think of different ways to approach this issue, and that’s what I want to talk about this morning.

It’s easy to feel despair at our lack of progress. I often feel it myself. A participant in a training on family violence and family law that I gave last week said, at one point:

“What’s the point? Nothing is getting any better for the women I work with.”

I couldn’t really argue with her. While I could point to individual successes that had resulted from the hard work of advocates – mostly women – overall, we’re not making a lot of headway to eradicate violence against women and girls.

So, what are we going to do about that? I have a few suggestions.

Some ideas for change

First, we need to stop seeing those who engage in abusive behaviour as all bad. They are not usually monsters. Like all of us, they have good and bad in them. Like many of us, they have been harmed by the violence of others at some point in their lives. They need to be part of the work to end gender-based violence.

Second, we must stop expecting “the law” to take care of the problem. The law is a blunt instrument. It cannot change the underlying issues that lead people to engage in abusive behaviour. It’s classist and racist and provides no opportunities for real healing for either those who have been harmed or those who have caused the harm. Many survivors feel shamed and silenced by the legal process.

Third, it’s not enough for individual men to say they don’t abuse their partners. That’s barely a starting point. Men need to speak up and out about sexism and misogyny wherever they see or hear it. It’s not always safe for women to call out a sexist joke or challenge a misogynist in a public space and, when we do, we are often accused of not having a sense of humour or are not heard just because we are women.

Fourth, we need to find ways to hold governments to be accountable to us. This is their obligation, but they will only do it if we make them, and that’s our obligation.

There are reasons to be hopeful, but we shouldn’t be looking to politicians and law makers for that hope. We need to look to ourselves, our colleagues and our communities. That’s where we’ll find it, and that hope will give us the energy to keep going even when, sometimes, it’s hard to see the impact of our efforts.

This is the moment and opportunity for us to make meaningful progress in the work to eradicate gender-based violence in this province and beyond. We have made change happen in the past, and we can do it again.